Genesis
Posted by Chris
God talks to me one day.
He put his arm round my shoulder and told me he is bored.
I say I know how he feels
Riding Through The Glen
Posted by Chris
Steamboat Willy
Posted by Chris
"Da, you know what else, young comrade? He was Red, all the way through. Right down to his beating heart, he always say 'I will die for Mother Russia'. He say that to me, I swear on it, he say that to me."
The old man's wrinkled brow creases as his eyes drop down to the floor. I top up his glass with a slug of Smirnoff ("Western junk" he sneered when I first offered him the bottle. It didn't stop him drinking it) and ask him to continue.
The Jeremy Winthorpe Kyle-Chefford Show
Posted by Chris
A studio. A big blue studio. Several high back leather armchairs are arranged in a rough semi-circle facing the audience. A butler, immaculately dressed, dusts the top of the chairs with a silk handkerchief. Jeremy Winthorpe Kyle-Chefford enters. He looks like a human weasel, but wearing a tailored tuxedo with a monocle and a top hat. His immaculately waxed moustache tapers off into a twirl.
The theme music starts up. It sounds like a cross between music you’d do the Charleston to and being blasted in the face by pure saccharin.
Jeremy: “What ho, mother! Jeremy Winthorpe Kyle-Chefford here and in person. Today we’ll be speaking to some fine people, some rogues and some ruffians, all!”
He grins at the camera, a shit-eating grin aimed squarely at the lower classes.
Robert Burns’ “Thundercats”
Posted by Chris
Winnie The Pooh, As Interpreted by Chuck Palahniuk
Posted by Chris
My name is Christopher Robin and I am six years old.
My name is Christopher Robin and I will be six years old forever.
This is the hundred acre wood. Through the trees like wooden splinters piercing the skull of the Earth you can see my house.
I live here with my family.
A collection of cast-offs and the unwanted.
The tale of Aloysius P Diddicrat
Posted by Chris
Songs you like that I can ruin forever
Posted by Chris
Ahh, it's a gorgeous day outside. Birds are shining, sun is singing, etc etc. What a wonderful world.
Yes, what a wonderful world.
...
No, really. It isn't.
I hate the way my stomach aches
Posted by Chris
David - “Yes, hello? Hi, okay. Yes. My name's David, and welcome to Speed Hating! This is a revolutionary new concept in dating. Are you all familiar with the concept of speed dating?”
[a few agreeable murmurs run through the crowd]
David - “Okay, good. Well, same concept here, but turned on its head. The idea is that the very first thing you say is something negative. Say for instance, if someone sat in front of me I might go 'Oh, you've got awful hair' or something. You see, it's psychologically proven that as soon as we confront the natural flaws we see in people, we open up a new level of communication. We look past the flaws and see the person within. Now, some of you may instinctively go into what's known as the Fight or Flight reflex when you're first confronted with this negativity from a stranger. You may retaliate, or you may back away. We don't want either of those, we want you to see, honestly and truthfully, that is what your partner thinks and for you to accept that and move on.”
Aberystwyth and Demons